My ID II...For now

well she sailed into Victoria on friday evening and I went to see her for the first time Saturday morning.

She's a Pearson 365, 36 feet and perfect. sure she needs alot of cosmetic work but I love her! It seems a bit unreal still... Its something that I have been dreaming about (or my daddy has been dreaming about) as long as Ive been alive, and to be able to actually stand on the deck, feel the wood... it all seems too surreal. Well, If anyone in the world deserves to have their dreams come true its my Dad. I keep thinking Im dreaming....

her name is My ID II, for now... anyone have any ideas for a good name? *yes weve tried all the variations of my mothers name! lol*

Anyone want to go sailing??

life is...

I guess Ive had enough with where Im at right now. I would love to get back into theatre. I would love a chance to be on stage again.

I dont want to join the military. In the end of the day I would be doing it for two reasons, One: because I want to prove to my father (or myself) that I am capable of something worthwhile. To give him something to be proud of. Two: because I cant think of anything else, that would actaully pay the bills. Honestly, those are pretty shitty reasons to join. Somehow I managed to convince myself that this was a great idea, and the more I said it the more it made sense, but when you cut it down to reality, it doesnt make sense for me to join, and it doesnt make sense for me to go to Afganistan. Yeah, I want to be a hero, I want to save lives, but who doesnt? It seems a bit like a death wish. Im still going, tuesday 745am. Its too late to back pedal now. Never mind the looks on my familys face. Ik denk dat ik wilde gaan, slechts omdat ik niet gaf of ik leefde of stierf. Ik denk dat ik nu geef.

I hate my job, most days. I hate the bullshit, the drama the theft the people. I hate the arrogant pricks, the young things who think they walk on water, the hobos, the drunks, the drunk hobos, but most of all the degrading, perverted SOBs who think because Im at a LQ they can talk to me that way. I dont mean the "hey baby's" the "how you doin'"s thats just drunken BS, I mean...well whatever.

I think the worst part of this, is that I go all day at work where I pretend to be tough, sweet, happy, whatever the hell the day calls for and I deal with all the bullshit, and say its cool its just a job Im not going to loose sleep over it. But in the end of the day it would be no big deal if i had people to chat with, hang out with afterwards, to vent, to just distract me. For me out in Vic anyway I have my family, who is always gone by the time I get up and asleep by the time I get home. Then theres the people I work with, yeah some of them are pretty cool! but I dont actually hang out with any of them outside office hours. So that leaves me here alone except when Im at work dealing with the bullshit and faking my way through. Theres nothing to take my mind off of everything. So I just get wound up, and more stressed.

This isnt who I am, and this ISNT who I want to be.
I just need a hug.

It would be great to be on stage again.

Storm

There is something peacful and comforting about sitting here, curled up in a blanket watching the water. I always have so much to write about the way the waves crash against the island, sending spray high into the air. the cool green color of the water that fades to a deep menacing black the further it goes out, but there is always, just on the horizon a glittering white line of sunlight where the water turns a spectacular bright blue. I love listening to the storm. The rain pounding against the windows and the roof. The wind whistling through the house, it seems to find every little crack and hole and howl through. The way the trees beat against the side of the house. I love to sit here, curled in a blanket with a hot cup of coffee and watch as the rain beats against the window in a fury.

and all the while I sit here feeling comfortable, inspired and cozy, Im watching those poor little birds who come to our feeder. Trying to fight their way through the sideways rain and strong winds to get to the little green feeder. Seeing them get whipped and tossed about in the air makes me feel a little guilty.

Who am I kidding?? Im not a Soldier! I dont take orders, I cant carry that much weight on my back, and I DONT crawl in the mud...

Someone said to me the other day, the uniforms are the colours they are for a reason, Navy is black, like the deep angry sea, Blue for the air force, like the sky, heaven, and for the army, its brown like... well.. shit

Four

Got another rejection letter... Suprise suprise! Another meeting with the recruiter comming up soon... Nervous as hell! So here I am, sitting watching the storm on the rocks. Anyway, heres # Four.

The beginning was very different for Alexis and Chase. Alexis figured it out quickly. She was always a curious child and she enjoyed testing the limits. Chase was more timid and tried to ignore it. While Chase tried to convince himself he was dreaming, Alexis was trying to turn her dream into a reality.

The second time it happened to Alexis, she knew what caused it. It was the day of Jane’s funeral. They left the house early in the morning. Alexis’ mother bought her a new black dress; it was simple, with a little lace ruffle along the hem and neckline, a wide black satin ribbon around the waist. To Alexis the fabric felt like straw, it was coarse and scratched her skin. The bodice was too tight and the lace collar was too high on her neck. She felt trapped and uncomfortable. As they sat in the church Alexis pulled the ribbon from behind her back, rolling and unrolling it in her fingers. The church pews were solid wood, dark cherry finish and coated with varnish so they reflected the flickering candlelight. No matter how Alexis sat she felt as if the seat dug into her. The seat was too hard, and the armrest dug into her small shoulder, the back arched in all the wrong places and gave her a pinch in her back. She looked around at all the faces; the church was full of faces, blank, sombre and sobbing. Swollen eyes and red noses glared at Alexis from every angle, though she knew none of them were looking at her. Alexis felt that nobody could feel the same loss that she did. Nobody knew how much she hurt, nobody could hope to understand. She wanted to scream, she wanted to run. She felt nausea rising in her throat.

Nearly everyone had gone when Alexis timidly stepped toward the casket. She stood for a long time with her eyes tightly closed, her fists clenched. Then finally she reached forward and put her hands on the edge of the casket. Slowly she opened her eyes. She felt her heart racing as she looked down. There was Jane, as perfect as ever. Her dark brown curls lay about her on the white satin pillow. Her eyes were closed but a look of peace on her face. Her soft, white hands lay on her stomach, fingers laced together. She wore a simple pink dress. For a moment Alexis thought it hadn’t happened. That it had all been a dream, and Jane would sit up and start laughing her sweet tinkling laugh. But when Alexis reached out and touched her, she found her hands cold as ice. At that moment Alexis could stay no longer. She turned and ran. She felt her heart pounding in her ears her stomach tight with fear and as she ran down the centre row of the church she felt her world begin to spin. She tripped and felt herself suspended for a moment.

When she fell to the ground she didn’t move for a long while. She lay still, her eyes tightly closed, she felt the floor, cold on her flushed cheek. As silence rang out around her she slowly opened her eyes. Darkness enveloped her, but she recognized her surroundings immediately. The stereo clock flashed 12:00, the pale wood floors seemed to glitter, and Alexis saw her shadowy reflection in the wall-sized mirror. She slowly pulled herself up, knelt in front of the mirror and sat still for a long time. She folded her hands in her lap and stared into the mirror as if it would give her some answer. She watched as tears slipped down her cheeks in silence.

Alexis didn’t know how long she sat there, silently sobbing. But as the hours stretched on she felt the familiar peace that filled her whenever she was in the studio. Slowly she stood, and walked toward the barre. She ran her fingers along the polished wood, but she didn’t want to dance. She simply stood, and looked around the room. In this moment she began to understand.

I know its not really complete but Im working on it....

I think I hate typing the name Alexis... I think I might be renaming her, can I do that? maybe Ill give her a nickname...I havent been able to write lately...more than just a paragraph anyway, I have loads of little paragraphs that are completely disjointed and dont fit in anywhere. So as much as Im not really happy with this... :P Anyway yes I know my grammar sucks, but other than that let me know what you think!

Yay photos

For my mothers birthday this week, I dug out all of the negatives I could find and have scanned them into the family computer. I thought that this would be a nice surprise for her to see all her memories on the computer, as a screensaver or just generally at her fingertips. Well I sat at the computer today for 8 hours and Ive managed to get through 13 whole rolls of film, I would guess that there are about 300 more to go. I dont think I'll finish in time. I'm actually really enjoying doing it, even though it taking me so long. Its great to look through all the photos from my childhood, Most of them Ive never even seen.

This meant that I got a chance to drop some of my OLD black and white negatives into the scanner. I have never really had a chance to develop 90% of my B&W photos. I had to choose three photos from the whole two rolls of film from this particular shoot, so I never

even got to see the majority of those photos fullsized. They aren't great photos, but there are a few I really love. These ones are from the 2004 Iditarod. Ive posted more on http://aisling86.deviantart.com/ As I said they arent great but I love to finally see

them bigger than a thumbprint.

It was pretty cool, watching the iditarod. People say that its cruel. That we force these poor animals to run 1100K through the snow, ice and horrible cold. That these poor animal

s are getting abused. I wasnt sure, what to think, going into it. Those dogs get the royal treatment. The best vets in the world are flown in to each night camp and all the dogs get checked out to be sure they are in top shape, if they arent the ride on the sled. They are fed the best food to keep them strong and healthy, they probably eat better than most people do. You cant say, that these dogs dont WANT to run. Its true that they are trained their whole lives for the race, but when your at the starting line, you can feel in the air the excitement that those dogs feel. Before the race, each dog has its own handler to hold it down, because they get too wound up, and jump over each other and tangle themselves up. They want so badly to run.

The race has two starts. One in downtown Anchorage where they race to another small town, then leave from there a few days later. The photos here are from the first start in Anchorage. this first start is used as a medial/fundraising event. Each team leaves Anchorage with two sleds, instead of the normal one. Both sleds have an open seat that is auctioned off to raise funds for different causes. They use the second sled because without the extra weight the dogs run too quickly for the media to get any decent photos of them. I didn't really beleive it but when you stand on the sidelines its nuts how little time you have to snap that shutter before they're gone. It is unreal to watch. You cant deny the anticipation these dogs feel before they get to go. They Love it. And yes the kennels look a little mean, but its really the only way to transport 14 energetic sled dogs.

So its been an interesting week. I sent in the last chance papers to the recruiter. For some reason it terrified me a little. Im getting nervous, over-thinking, worried. What the hell was I thinking signing up for this? What if they dont take me? What if I fail my PT test again? What if I fail the written test? What if I dont pass my physical? What if they accept me?

Anyway, I suppose it will be what it will. Lots of people Join the CF because theres nothing better to do, right?